Forgiveness & Reconciliation - Fellow Man
If many people misunderstand forgiveness & reconciliation between us & God, then it’s not surprising that it will be commonly misunderstood when applying those concepts among fellow man. But just as God forgives us for our sins against Him, we are to forgive others whenever they offend or sin against us in some way (Mt 6.14-15, 18.21-35, Col 3.13). This is because God is certainly interested in our relationships with other people. Consider the following:
As we’ve seen, forgiveness is a matter of giving up resentment towards the offender for their offense. While there are certainly legitimate reasons to be offended, sometimes there aren’t. Sometimes our being offended is merely a matter of selfishness (Jas 4.1-2, 6) which results in the needless destruction of a relationship. So it’s important to understand why we’re offended.
As for the legitimate times we are offended, we must decide if we value the relationship more than being offended. And if we value the relationship more, then we will surrender our right to be offended, “turn the other cheek” (Mt 5.39) & let “love cover a multitude of sins” (1 Pt 4.8, 1 Jn 4.10, Pr 19.11). In a letter to the Corinthian church, Paul was distressed that Christians were suing each other & asked “Why not be wronged?” (1 Cor 6.7).
Also, it’s important to note that forgiveness involves persistent faithfulness (Pr 16.6). In passages regarding God’s faithfulness we see the original Hebrew word has to do with being reliable & trustworthy (Ex 34.6-7). That is, when we say we forgive someone, they should be able to depend on us not to hold it against them any longer – let your “yes be yes” (Mt 5.37). And forgiveness should also be recurring in 3 senses (Mt 18.21-22). First, we should readily forgive someone every time they sin against us in any variety of ways. Second, we should readily forgive someone even if they keep offending us in the same way over & over. Third, if someone has offended us & we want to forgive them or even have told them we have forgiven them, but the wound was deep & it keeps resurfacing – every time it comes to mind, ask God to help you forgive them & be resolved to do so. The bottom line: be armed with an attitude of forgiveness.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. - Col 3.13
We must make a concerted choice to forgive someone. It does not occur automatically. In our pride, we want to be offended & take vengeance or at least be around when the offender “gets theirs” (Rom 12.19). This same pride is what motivates the idea of wanting to wait for the offender to come ask forgiveness first before you forgive them. But we should be willing to forgive even if not asked to (Lk 23.32-43, Mt 27.41-44, Acts 7.59-60). This is a matter of abandoning self & putting others first (Php 2.1-8), remembering that if we’re a Christian, then we have been forgiven too (Mt 18.23-35).
Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice – Pr 24.17
If you are thinking that I don’t understand how badly someone’s hurt you & that it seems impossible to forgive them – you’re right on both counts. I don’t know (Pr 14.10) & you can’t forgive them on your own (Jn 15.5). But if you’re a Christian, then Christ will empower you by His all-sufficient power & grace (Php 4.13, 2 Pt 1.3). Forgiveness does not happen naturally; it’s a supernatural matter. The idea of forgiveness & unforgiveness is dealt with further in a page titled “Bitter Root” linked in the “Related Pages” section at the bottom. For now, let’s return to the topic of trying to understand the difference between forgiveness & reconciliation amongst fellow man, remembering the 2 terms are not the same.
In the context of human relationships, these terms can be confused in various ways. One way is if someone is forgiven, but reconciliation is never sought out. In this way, the relationship has been damaged by an offense & the one who was offended has released the other person, but it was never discussed or communicated. Restoration was never achieved & the 2 people or parties remain at a distance or even completely separated. This could even be masked by a superficial relationship.
Another way is if reconciliation is sought out while neglecting forgiveness. This would be akin to breaking up 2 kids from fighting & making them shake hands & say “I’m sorry”. The result is most certainly a phony handshake & is subject to further trouble. Since true forgiveness is the foundation of reconciliation, don’t expect to get the latter without the former from such types of coercion. Of course, the same thing occurs more subtly when we neglect true forgiveness & just pretend that all is well in our wounded relationship. But Scripture tells us that the issues of the heart, like forgiveness, must be dealt with first before other things take place. Shortcutting steps will only postpone dealing with the inevitable & may even worsen the situation (Pr 14.13, Eccl 8.6). And of course, worst of all is when both forgiveness & reconciliation are completely disregarded.
Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. – Jesus in Mt 23.35-36
So forgiveness on its own isn’t enough & reconciliation without forgiveness is fake. And to recap, reconciliation is defined as making things consistent, accounting for something or restoring a friendship. Just as these are demonstrated in the reconciliation of God & man, they all 3 apply between people as well. The first portion – making things consistent – is one of the tricky parts.
Our understanding needs to be consistent in 2 ways. First, we need to have a correct view of ourselves & others. We should realize that other people, including our offenders, were created in God’s image (likeness – Gen 1.27). This means a lot of things, but in our context it’s applicable because all people have value to God – thus a reason why God is concerned with our relationships & behavior. Our attitude towards others is indicative of our true attitude towards God (Jas 3.9-12, 1 Jn 4.20-21). But we also need to keep in mind that all of us have horrendously offended God & that we are all sinners (Lk 18.9-14, Eccl 7.20).
Second, our understanding regarding the facts of the offensive situation needs to be consistent. With God, this is more straight forward because God is always right & His Word is always true (Rom 3.4); it is we who are always at the guilty end of the offense (Ps 51.3-4). But when you’re dealing with people, we struggle with obtaining the whole truth about an offensive situation. Yet the truth is vitally important & many times in Scripture we see that a dispute was to be settled only if there were 2 or more witnesses to validate the details (Mt 18.15-16).
We can suffer from holding to insufficient, speculative or misrepresented information, or just down right lies. We can be biased towards ourselves or those on “our side” & end up spinning the situation in our favor & therefore against the “offender”. Consequently, you can end up with a “he said, she said” situation where prideful motives trump the truth. Further complicating things is that our hearts can be deceptive to even ourselves (Jer 17.9).
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. – Jesus in Mt 15.18-19
Nonetheless, we are still called to be reconciled to one another (Mt 5.24). So the best way to ensure this takes place is to humbly lay down our own motives (Php 2.3), understand as many facts as possible about the situation (sort out truth from speculation) & then work to apply God’s truth from the Bible (2 Tim 3.16-17) by His Spirit’s guidance & power (Jn 16.13).
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way. – Pr 19.2
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry – Jas 1.19
Since most offenses come down to a matter of someone wronging another person, it’s important to consider one’s standard of right & wrong. In today’s culture of moral relativism where everyone has their own version of right & wrong, it makes this task all the more difficult. The only true standard of right & wrong is God’s standard that He has revealed in the Bible. So a lot of strife can be avoided when both parties agree to evaluate the situation in light of God’s standard & work towards reconciliation. Apart from using God’s standard, forgiveness & reconciliation are going to be unstable & subject to the whims of changing personal morality.
Against you (God), you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. – Ps 51.4
The next part of reconciliation involves accounting for something. And certainly it would make forgiveness & reconciliation difficult if the source of the strife is not acknowledged. Sometimes the offense comes from another; and sometimes the offense comes from us. So when it is we who have sinned against another person, it’s important that we own it (Mt 5.23-34). Likewise, when another party has sinned against you, it is important that they understand what their offense was & own it as well. If reconciliation depends on forgiveness & forgiveness is not holding someone’s sin against them, then it’s all a sham if the sin is not accounted for.
This means there are going to be some uncomfortable conversations that must be had. Realize that there are going to be hundreds of excuses for not having them, but it’s a critical part of the process that shouldn’t be side stepped.
It is also important that we account for our pain – own your hurt. This does not mean that we dwell on our pain & throw our self a pity party. No, God cares that we are hurt, but wants us to take it to Him (Ps 25.16-21). In trusting God to help us forgive someone else we must not only free them from the offense causing the hurt, but also give the hurt to God to handle (Php 4.6-7) – to use it for shaping our character (Eccl 7.14, Pr 16.4) & trust Him to dole out consequences according to His perfect justice. If we try to hold onto the hurt, it will only lead to more bitter unforgiveness.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Rom 12.17-21
Similarly, it is important that we acknowledge that others are hurt. This may be more obvious if we are guilty of a sin that has hurt others & we need to be careful that our pride doesn’t keep us from asking them for forgiveness (Mt 5.23-24). However, it is entirely possible that other people are hurt or upset when you have done nothing wrong – or even when you have done what is right. The fact remains that they are hurt & the relationship is damaged. This is why reconciliation is necessary & the facts need sorted out. In the passage below where the Apostle Paul is writing to the Corinthian church, note that he states his innocence, affirms the relationship, acknowledges their hurt & then explains the purpose.
Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have exploited no one. I do not say this to condemn you; I have said before that you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you… Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while – yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. – 2 Cor 7.2-3, 8-9
This brings us to the area of reconciliation that focuses on restoring the friendship. In the passage above, we have seen the example of affirming the relationship. When we do this it demonstrates to the other person that you value your relationship with them – that you value them. But before that can take place, there has to be a discussion & since the relationship’s been damaged, that usually won’t come easily or accidentally. There must be some intentionality, so one critical step in restoring the relationship is seeking out the other person. Certainly, if you are the offender, then you have a responsibility to seek reconciliation (Mt 5.23-24). But you are not off the hook if you have been offended & likewise are to go to the other person (Mt 18.15).
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
– Mk 11.25
In seeking to reconcile a relationship, it will make matters easier if we cease having a hostile attitude towards the other party (Mt 5.9, Rom 12.17-21). Of course, this will flow from a heart of true forgiveness. Along those lines, we should be careful in all the pain & emotion to not slander the other person to others - or to yourself (Col 3.8, 1 Pt 2.1). Slander is negatively speaking against someone, defaming them or just plain hurtful talk about them. Slander is satanic (Rev 12.9-10) & for obvious reasons, does nothing to help restore relationships.
Similarly, we must be careful not to use the offense as a weapon against the other person. As was noted in discussing forgiveness, we must release the other person from the offense & not hold it against them. This does not simply mean that we ignore the offense, but that through the reconciliation process, the facts are discussed & friendship is resumed. Many times in that process (or perhaps in some other limited cases), there are legitimate reasons to bring up or discuss the offense for purely edification or constructive learning purposes (Pr 27.5-6, 17, Eccl 3.1, 7), but be weary of crossing the line into turning it against them. And when you’re discussing an offense, pay attention to your tone & try to maintain a calm attitude (Pr 15.1-2). Generally speaking, once reconciliation is achieved, the offense should be buried.
To be sure, we know that if God wants us to have unity & peace, then the Evil One (Satan) will work to cause division & strife. The longer reconciliation is delayed, the more Satan will use the offense to maintain discord & rekindle aggression (1 Pt 5.8). So take care of business ASAP.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. - Eph 4.25-27
At the same time, we must be realistic & understand that others will not always respond as they should. Just because you forgive someone & attempt reconciliation, the other party may not be cooperative. Be careful not to beat yourself up if that is the case. Reconciliation may need to be attempted more than once. Ultimately, you are accountable to God for your attitude & they are accountable for theirs (Heb 4.13, Eccl 12.14). But just because we don’t think the response will be favorable doesn’t mean we shouldn’t attempt reconciliation. Realize that reconciliation may never occur unless you are intentional & take action. Meanwhile, be in prayer for the other person. Jesus teaches us to love our “enemies” & pray for those who persecute us (Mt 5.44).
In conclusion, forgiveness is important & reconciliation is important, but they are not the same. If you have forgiven someone – good! But you are only part of the way there. Next is to make an effort to work through reconciliation for the purposes of restoring the relationship, trusting in God for His power & help. Do not settle for broken relationships or fake reconciliation. If God values restoring relationships with us sinners enough to send His Son to die for us, then we should value restoring relationships with fellow sinners.
Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation — if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. – Col 1.21-23
- 6 of the 10 Commandments deal with our human-to-human relationships (Ex 20.12-17)
- Human reconciliation should come before religion (Mt 5.23-24)
- Jesus's 1st recorded sermon mentions “blessed are the peacemakers” (Mt 5.9)
- The Apostle Paul‘s letter to the Philippian church includes a plea for 2 ladies to be reconciled (Php 4.2)
As we’ve seen, forgiveness is a matter of giving up resentment towards the offender for their offense. While there are certainly legitimate reasons to be offended, sometimes there aren’t. Sometimes our being offended is merely a matter of selfishness (Jas 4.1-2, 6) which results in the needless destruction of a relationship. So it’s important to understand why we’re offended.
As for the legitimate times we are offended, we must decide if we value the relationship more than being offended. And if we value the relationship more, then we will surrender our right to be offended, “turn the other cheek” (Mt 5.39) & let “love cover a multitude of sins” (1 Pt 4.8, 1 Jn 4.10, Pr 19.11). In a letter to the Corinthian church, Paul was distressed that Christians were suing each other & asked “Why not be wronged?” (1 Cor 6.7).
Also, it’s important to note that forgiveness involves persistent faithfulness (Pr 16.6). In passages regarding God’s faithfulness we see the original Hebrew word has to do with being reliable & trustworthy (Ex 34.6-7). That is, when we say we forgive someone, they should be able to depend on us not to hold it against them any longer – let your “yes be yes” (Mt 5.37). And forgiveness should also be recurring in 3 senses (Mt 18.21-22). First, we should readily forgive someone every time they sin against us in any variety of ways. Second, we should readily forgive someone even if they keep offending us in the same way over & over. Third, if someone has offended us & we want to forgive them or even have told them we have forgiven them, but the wound was deep & it keeps resurfacing – every time it comes to mind, ask God to help you forgive them & be resolved to do so. The bottom line: be armed with an attitude of forgiveness.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. - Col 3.13
We must make a concerted choice to forgive someone. It does not occur automatically. In our pride, we want to be offended & take vengeance or at least be around when the offender “gets theirs” (Rom 12.19). This same pride is what motivates the idea of wanting to wait for the offender to come ask forgiveness first before you forgive them. But we should be willing to forgive even if not asked to (Lk 23.32-43, Mt 27.41-44, Acts 7.59-60). This is a matter of abandoning self & putting others first (Php 2.1-8), remembering that if we’re a Christian, then we have been forgiven too (Mt 18.23-35).
Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice – Pr 24.17
If you are thinking that I don’t understand how badly someone’s hurt you & that it seems impossible to forgive them – you’re right on both counts. I don’t know (Pr 14.10) & you can’t forgive them on your own (Jn 15.5). But if you’re a Christian, then Christ will empower you by His all-sufficient power & grace (Php 4.13, 2 Pt 1.3). Forgiveness does not happen naturally; it’s a supernatural matter. The idea of forgiveness & unforgiveness is dealt with further in a page titled “Bitter Root” linked in the “Related Pages” section at the bottom. For now, let’s return to the topic of trying to understand the difference between forgiveness & reconciliation amongst fellow man, remembering the 2 terms are not the same.
In the context of human relationships, these terms can be confused in various ways. One way is if someone is forgiven, but reconciliation is never sought out. In this way, the relationship has been damaged by an offense & the one who was offended has released the other person, but it was never discussed or communicated. Restoration was never achieved & the 2 people or parties remain at a distance or even completely separated. This could even be masked by a superficial relationship.
Another way is if reconciliation is sought out while neglecting forgiveness. This would be akin to breaking up 2 kids from fighting & making them shake hands & say “I’m sorry”. The result is most certainly a phony handshake & is subject to further trouble. Since true forgiveness is the foundation of reconciliation, don’t expect to get the latter without the former from such types of coercion. Of course, the same thing occurs more subtly when we neglect true forgiveness & just pretend that all is well in our wounded relationship. But Scripture tells us that the issues of the heart, like forgiveness, must be dealt with first before other things take place. Shortcutting steps will only postpone dealing with the inevitable & may even worsen the situation (Pr 14.13, Eccl 8.6). And of course, worst of all is when both forgiveness & reconciliation are completely disregarded.
Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. – Jesus in Mt 23.35-36
So forgiveness on its own isn’t enough & reconciliation without forgiveness is fake. And to recap, reconciliation is defined as making things consistent, accounting for something or restoring a friendship. Just as these are demonstrated in the reconciliation of God & man, they all 3 apply between people as well. The first portion – making things consistent – is one of the tricky parts.
Our understanding needs to be consistent in 2 ways. First, we need to have a correct view of ourselves & others. We should realize that other people, including our offenders, were created in God’s image (likeness – Gen 1.27). This means a lot of things, but in our context it’s applicable because all people have value to God – thus a reason why God is concerned with our relationships & behavior. Our attitude towards others is indicative of our true attitude towards God (Jas 3.9-12, 1 Jn 4.20-21). But we also need to keep in mind that all of us have horrendously offended God & that we are all sinners (Lk 18.9-14, Eccl 7.20).
Second, our understanding regarding the facts of the offensive situation needs to be consistent. With God, this is more straight forward because God is always right & His Word is always true (Rom 3.4); it is we who are always at the guilty end of the offense (Ps 51.3-4). But when you’re dealing with people, we struggle with obtaining the whole truth about an offensive situation. Yet the truth is vitally important & many times in Scripture we see that a dispute was to be settled only if there were 2 or more witnesses to validate the details (Mt 18.15-16).
We can suffer from holding to insufficient, speculative or misrepresented information, or just down right lies. We can be biased towards ourselves or those on “our side” & end up spinning the situation in our favor & therefore against the “offender”. Consequently, you can end up with a “he said, she said” situation where prideful motives trump the truth. Further complicating things is that our hearts can be deceptive to even ourselves (Jer 17.9).
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. – Jesus in Mt 15.18-19
Nonetheless, we are still called to be reconciled to one another (Mt 5.24). So the best way to ensure this takes place is to humbly lay down our own motives (Php 2.3), understand as many facts as possible about the situation (sort out truth from speculation) & then work to apply God’s truth from the Bible (2 Tim 3.16-17) by His Spirit’s guidance & power (Jn 16.13).
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way. – Pr 19.2
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry – Jas 1.19
Since most offenses come down to a matter of someone wronging another person, it’s important to consider one’s standard of right & wrong. In today’s culture of moral relativism where everyone has their own version of right & wrong, it makes this task all the more difficult. The only true standard of right & wrong is God’s standard that He has revealed in the Bible. So a lot of strife can be avoided when both parties agree to evaluate the situation in light of God’s standard & work towards reconciliation. Apart from using God’s standard, forgiveness & reconciliation are going to be unstable & subject to the whims of changing personal morality.
Against you (God), you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. – Ps 51.4
The next part of reconciliation involves accounting for something. And certainly it would make forgiveness & reconciliation difficult if the source of the strife is not acknowledged. Sometimes the offense comes from another; and sometimes the offense comes from us. So when it is we who have sinned against another person, it’s important that we own it (Mt 5.23-34). Likewise, when another party has sinned against you, it is important that they understand what their offense was & own it as well. If reconciliation depends on forgiveness & forgiveness is not holding someone’s sin against them, then it’s all a sham if the sin is not accounted for.
This means there are going to be some uncomfortable conversations that must be had. Realize that there are going to be hundreds of excuses for not having them, but it’s a critical part of the process that shouldn’t be side stepped.
It is also important that we account for our pain – own your hurt. This does not mean that we dwell on our pain & throw our self a pity party. No, God cares that we are hurt, but wants us to take it to Him (Ps 25.16-21). In trusting God to help us forgive someone else we must not only free them from the offense causing the hurt, but also give the hurt to God to handle (Php 4.6-7) – to use it for shaping our character (Eccl 7.14, Pr 16.4) & trust Him to dole out consequences according to His perfect justice. If we try to hold onto the hurt, it will only lead to more bitter unforgiveness.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Rom 12.17-21
Similarly, it is important that we acknowledge that others are hurt. This may be more obvious if we are guilty of a sin that has hurt others & we need to be careful that our pride doesn’t keep us from asking them for forgiveness (Mt 5.23-24). However, it is entirely possible that other people are hurt or upset when you have done nothing wrong – or even when you have done what is right. The fact remains that they are hurt & the relationship is damaged. This is why reconciliation is necessary & the facts need sorted out. In the passage below where the Apostle Paul is writing to the Corinthian church, note that he states his innocence, affirms the relationship, acknowledges their hurt & then explains the purpose.
Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have exploited no one. I do not say this to condemn you; I have said before that you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you… Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while – yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. – 2 Cor 7.2-3, 8-9
This brings us to the area of reconciliation that focuses on restoring the friendship. In the passage above, we have seen the example of affirming the relationship. When we do this it demonstrates to the other person that you value your relationship with them – that you value them. But before that can take place, there has to be a discussion & since the relationship’s been damaged, that usually won’t come easily or accidentally. There must be some intentionality, so one critical step in restoring the relationship is seeking out the other person. Certainly, if you are the offender, then you have a responsibility to seek reconciliation (Mt 5.23-24). But you are not off the hook if you have been offended & likewise are to go to the other person (Mt 18.15).
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
– Mk 11.25
In seeking to reconcile a relationship, it will make matters easier if we cease having a hostile attitude towards the other party (Mt 5.9, Rom 12.17-21). Of course, this will flow from a heart of true forgiveness. Along those lines, we should be careful in all the pain & emotion to not slander the other person to others - or to yourself (Col 3.8, 1 Pt 2.1). Slander is negatively speaking against someone, defaming them or just plain hurtful talk about them. Slander is satanic (Rev 12.9-10) & for obvious reasons, does nothing to help restore relationships.
Similarly, we must be careful not to use the offense as a weapon against the other person. As was noted in discussing forgiveness, we must release the other person from the offense & not hold it against them. This does not simply mean that we ignore the offense, but that through the reconciliation process, the facts are discussed & friendship is resumed. Many times in that process (or perhaps in some other limited cases), there are legitimate reasons to bring up or discuss the offense for purely edification or constructive learning purposes (Pr 27.5-6, 17, Eccl 3.1, 7), but be weary of crossing the line into turning it against them. And when you’re discussing an offense, pay attention to your tone & try to maintain a calm attitude (Pr 15.1-2). Generally speaking, once reconciliation is achieved, the offense should be buried.
To be sure, we know that if God wants us to have unity & peace, then the Evil One (Satan) will work to cause division & strife. The longer reconciliation is delayed, the more Satan will use the offense to maintain discord & rekindle aggression (1 Pt 5.8). So take care of business ASAP.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. - Eph 4.25-27
At the same time, we must be realistic & understand that others will not always respond as they should. Just because you forgive someone & attempt reconciliation, the other party may not be cooperative. Be careful not to beat yourself up if that is the case. Reconciliation may need to be attempted more than once. Ultimately, you are accountable to God for your attitude & they are accountable for theirs (Heb 4.13, Eccl 12.14). But just because we don’t think the response will be favorable doesn’t mean we shouldn’t attempt reconciliation. Realize that reconciliation may never occur unless you are intentional & take action. Meanwhile, be in prayer for the other person. Jesus teaches us to love our “enemies” & pray for those who persecute us (Mt 5.44).
In conclusion, forgiveness is important & reconciliation is important, but they are not the same. If you have forgiven someone – good! But you are only part of the way there. Next is to make an effort to work through reconciliation for the purposes of restoring the relationship, trusting in God for His power & help. Do not settle for broken relationships or fake reconciliation. If God values restoring relationships with us sinners enough to send His Son to die for us, then we should value restoring relationships with fellow sinners.
Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation — if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. – Col 1.21-23
Related Pages
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